Saturday, July 09, 2016

Scenes from the Apocalypse

Scenes from a post-apocalyptic high school reunion.

Setting: The burnt-out husk of a high school gymnasium

The year: 2031

Lady: So, what do you do?
Man: Well, I capture and sell squirrels, rats, raccoon… you name it!
Lady: Sounds interesting.
Man: Yeah, I’m thinking of branching out, maybe get into the human thighs and buttocks market.  It’s big business, particularly in Containment Zone 9.  Man, those guys in Containment Zone 9 love the stuff!

Lady1: So, you and John were sure getting along.  Just like old times?
Lady2: Oh, stop it!
Lady1: What do you think?  His wife was just sold into slavery by a roving band of marauders… he’s single!
Lady2: That’s enough, Marsha!
Lady1: Did you notice he still has 75% of his skin?

Man: So, I rode my horse in from Containment Zone 4…
Lady: Oh yeah?
Man: Yep, still has one eyeball and most of her original teeth.
Lady: So how long’d it take you to get in from Containment Zone 4?
Man: Well, she does about 20 if I’ve scrounged enough carrots and oats to feed her… probably took me around five days.
Lady: Whoa!  Pretty slick, Dave.

Man: Well I grow non-mutated strains of wheat and mill them in an old 19th-century mill that my marauding gang conquered.
Lady: Wow!  Maybe I should come check out your milling operation sometime!
Man: Hey, anytime!  Just make sure you remember the password!  Otherwise, the guards at my mill will shoot you with their crossbows!  Seriously, they will.  You need to remember the password.
Lady: Well, what is it?
Man: Periwinkle.

Man1: Say, anyone know what happened to Rick McCaffrey?
Man2: Ahh, I heard he became a warlord.
Man1: Shit, no way!
Man3: Yeah, guess he stumbled upon an abandoned army fuel depot.  Guy’s swimming in shiny stones and anti-bacterial cream over in Containment District 4.
Man2: Guess he’s too big to come to his own high school reunion, eh?

Lady: Now, correct me if I’m wrong, mister, but I heard you were married a few years ago!  Where’s the missus?
Man: Ahh, yeah, Jenny couldn’t get a pass into the Containment District for the reunion.  She has a pretty bad case of the Blight.
Lady: Oh god… oh Jesus, get away from me!

Lady1: Judy!  Judy… Nelson?
Lady2: Well, it’s Judy Henderson now.  And this is my zombie husband, Carl!  Say hello, Carl.
Man: Braaains…
Lady2, confidentially to 1: Always with the brains, am I right?

Man: You know what I haven’t seen in a while?  A non-feral cat.
Lady: I know, right?  We tried bringing one back for our daughter, but she ended up getting rabies.
Man: How many shiny stones would you trade your child for?


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