Monday, April 02, 2007

Scientific Fact: Hitler = Comedy Gold

"Dude, what you wanna do today?"
"I dunno - watch Hitler drive his car around?"

Rich: Alright, new guy, I’m going to need that quarterly report from you before next Thursday, kay?

Hitler: Ja, und I am sorry I haven’t had it on your desk already.

Rich: Whoa, whoa… Jesus Christ, are you Hitler?

Hitler: Ja ja, guilty as charged. Is dis goink to be die problem?

Rich: Holy fuck, what the hell? Hitler?

Hitler: Alright, dis is not die first time I am to havink dis conversation, ya? In 1945, I vas cryogenically frozen und, 60 years later, I vas unfrozen und hired by die temp agency. Und now you are findink me here.

Rich: No, no way. I am not going to let Adolph Hitler work for this company. You can find work elsewhere, pal.

*****

Susan: Well, after I got my Master’s degree, I decided I’d travel around Europe for a few years, and then I ended up staying in New Zealand for a while after I met this guy… oh, goodness, I must be boring you! I’m so bad at this!

Hitler: Nein, you are doink fine. I must say, I am qvite fascinated by your life’s story, Susan.

Susan: Ahh heck, you sure know how to charm a lady. Say… there’s something so familiar about you…

Hitler: Vell, you know, dis I get qvite often.

Susan: Oh… oh Jesus. Jesus Christ, you’re Adolph Hitler!

Hitler: Ha, ja, die vun und only! You should see die look und your face!

Susan: Oh, my god, I need to get out of here. Oh, Jesus, oh Jesus…

Hitler: Hey, you are thinkink dis is easy for me?! Try beink cryogenically frozen for 60 years und findink out zhat you are die vurld’s most hated person! It is very difficult for me personally, ya?

*****

Hitler: Vaiter, I vas vunderink vhat you might recommend on die menu, ya?

Waiter: Well sir, the lobster bisque is a perennial fave if you’re looking for an appetizer.

Hitler: Oh, nein. I am not die fan of die seafood, I’m afraid. Let us just say dat me und die shellfish do not get along!

Waiter: In that case, our pan-roasted duck breast is an excellent choice. It comes served in orange mead sauce over a… wait, hold on…

Hitler: Ach, here ve go again…

Waiter: Oh, oh Christ… you’re Adolph fucking Hitler?!

Hitler: Ja ja. Vhat gave it away, Einschtein – mein moustache? Or maybe it vas die haircut?

Waiter: Good Lord, this is not happening. Oh Jesus, this is awful. God, please, somebody phone the police!

Hitler: Ja, und vhere vere die police vhen I vas schtuck in die cryogenic chamber for 60 years, ein?

Waiter: Oh, sweet Jesus, no! I can’t believe this… Christ! This is the most hated man in history!

Hitler: Oh, come on, man! I am sittink right here!

Overheard in Beijing

Man: Oh my god, can you believe they’re playing this song?!

Woman: Ha, I know! It’s totally 80s!

Man: Yeah, you should probably get some leg warmers and maybe I should wear sneakers with a sports jacket. And Ray-bans!

Woman: Ha ha, totally!

Man: God, remember Thundercats?

Woman: Of course! ‘Thundercats, ho!’ Man. Say, what about She-Ra?

Man: Oh man!! I totally forgot! Wasn’t she He-Man’s sister or something?

Woman: Ha, something like that.

Man: Man. I can’t believe you remember this stuff!

Woman: Are you kidding? The 80s are so ghetto!

Man: Wait – ‘ghetto’ is a good adjective now?

Woman: Oh, totally.

Man: Hey, listen, sorry I didn’t introduce myself earlier. I’m Li!

Woman: Hey Li! I’m Lanying!

Li: You, uh, going to school or anything?

Lanying: Yeah, I’m in my 3rd year of Polly Sci. You?

Li: Oh, I just graduated Agriculture last year.

Lanying: An aggie, eh? What’s your specialization?

Li: Rice.

Lanying: I love rice! I eat it all the time!

Li: Well, you’ve got me to thank. Ha ha!

Lanying: Ha ha!

Li: Nah, I’m just kidding. (silence, then…) You’re a Moosehead girl?

Lanying: It’s the best!

Li: Totally! But you know what they say about people who rip off their labels!

Lanying: Oh shut up, silly!

(conversation starts to fade)

Li: So, Lan – can I call you that? – Lan, you remember Tiananmen, right?

Lanying: Shh! We can’t get caught talking about that!

Li: I know, I know, but you remember that dude standing in front of those tanks?

Lanying: Are you joking? Between you and me, he’s such an inspiration! To do what he did, to risk so much to show the government and the people that we need freedom… I’m sorry, it’s just so moving.

Li: Alright, don’t tell anyone or anything, but that was me.

Lanying: What?

Li: Yeah, I was the Tiananmen Guy.

Lanying: That’s you in that photo?

Li: Totally. That was totally me. You see the dark hair?

Lanying: Yeah, but a lot of people have dark hair…

Li: No, totally. I still have the white shirt and black pants in my closet… back at my apartment.

Lanying: I dunno man, that’s a bit much to swallow.

Li: Oh, you like to swallow, eh?

Lanying: Okay, fuck you, I’m out of here.

Li: Bitch.
That takes some brass ones, I'll say