Tuesday, February 26, 2008

It All Makes Sense Now

Fig. 1

Time now to take a rare glimpse into the inner-workings of my mind! You can see here (fig. 1) the top ten or so objects of my thought processes at any given time. Let it never be said that I don't give robots their fair shake.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Western New York's Only Source of Potable Water!

"We'll tell you what the devaluation of the dollar versus the emerging euro means for your weekend at... oh, sorry, evidently we won't."

September 26th, 476:
The Action News 2 News Team first brought you word of the gradual, almost imperceptible decline of the Roman Empire over the past few centuries. We’ll bring you word on the latest barbarian sacking – and what this means for your Western civilization – at 11!

March 18th, 1836:
There was a house fire in Tonawanda today, only 3 hours after the city’s incorporation. We’ll tell you how many butter churns were destroyed – at 11!

April 14th, 1865:
Action News 2 brought you exclusive word earlier today on the president being shot in the head by a bullet. We’ll tell you if he lived or died – and what this could mean for your Union - at 11!

April 12th, 1912:
Action News 2 and our Doppler 3000 Weather Team were the first to warn you about rogue icebergs in the North Atlantic, and it seems one has claimed another victim! Find out if your loved one was aboard… at 11!

"We here at the Action 2 News Team were the first to exclusively tell you that the Erie County Fair is canceled this year due to a menacing green cloud hovering over western New York. No word yet on which - if any - of the Gambino brothers survived the disaster. Cellino & Barnes are launching a class action lawsuit against WUTV on Union road, where the cloud originated."

June 28th, 1914:
An Austrian Archduke was assassinated earlier today. We’ll tell you which one in which Baltic pseudo-state – and what this could mean for your weekend – at 11!

August 15th, 1914:
A man-made canal opened today. We’ll tell you across which isthmus and what two oceans it connects – and what this could mean for the price of your grains – at 11!

August 6th, 1945:
If you’re thinking of heading to Hiroshima for the weekend, don’t forget your sunscreen! We’ll tell you why… at 11!

Saturday, February 02, 2008

You Are All So Far Beneath Me

The glasses hide the rolled eyes

Speech given by the Right Honourable Stephen Harper on the anniversary of his second year in power:

“My fellow Canadians – I detest each and every one of you. Everything you say, do or think is so utterly trivial, of consequence to nobody but yourselves and your pathetic circle of family and friends. Your most profound ideas and actions are worth nothing but an audible, exasperated sigh. Oh, how I abhor you all.

You cannot begin to comprehend how utterly useless you all are to me. If you had so much as a tenth of my cunning, intelligence and vision my remarks here today might not be necessary; however, to say that you possess even a fraction of these qualities would be to give you far more credit than you could ever hope to deserve.

Who do you think you are, you contemptible gang of cretins who dare to call yourselves Canadian? You are all so far beneath me. From where I stand your myriad faults are so completely obvious. It is this gaping divide between us – vast and unconquerable – that blinds you all to my brilliance. I lie awake at night wondering just why not a single one of you can see – much less understand – the future I will give this country. It would be so blatantly obvious to any learned man, but I can see this pathetic excuse for a country lacks even one. Your ignorance would be laughable if it wasn’t so goddamned pathetic.

Your histories, cultures and traditions elicit nothing but disgust from me. I am repulsed by the things that you hold dear; I vow with every inch of my flesh and blood to wipe them from the earth and replace them with my immeasurably superior vision for this country. What I plan to do and the little you have accomplished together cannot even be compared.

You cowards. You wretched little wastelings. You mangy dogs - curs, all of you. You deserve nothing less than to be culled and wiped from this earth. For the sake of the human race, your genetic heritage and its “potential” must be cleansed now and forever. Who you are as a people cannot be allowed to continue to sully the rest of our civilization.

Words cannot convey the unmitigated contempt I harbour for you all, deep within the recesses of my heart. Thank you, and vive le canada!