The Spikeman Goeth?

Have You Seen This Man?

Whatever happened to those bygone days? Whatever happened to the Spikester? Has he left, never to return? It used to be that Spike could walk onto any dance floor in Western Ontario and do alright for himself. Rarely a resounding success, but at least he could go home feeling good about the night. Got some decent material out of that first… oh, say, year and a half. Maybe a bit bleeding into the third. Just walk on out there, grab some chick from behind, and let the romance start.

From there began a steady and traceable decline. Suddenly, some sort of eye contact had to be initiated before Spike made his move. Next, I had to start the thing where… you know, you casually make your way behind her, let her casually bump into you, gauge the reaction and move in from there. Towards the end, it even got to the point where Spike would verbally ask a girl if she wanted to dance before trying any funny business. Ask! Through verbal communication! Insane, I know.

Yeah, from the looks of things, Spike is on his last legs. And I’ll tell you why: Spike only works in groups. Otherwise, he’s a creepy single guy grabbing ass by himself on the dance floor. Say what you will, but the lone wolf isn’t cool. He’s a loser you can smell a mile away. But pair him up with Captain Morgan, the Hammer, the Ror Dawg - hell, even Killer Kowalsky - and you got yourself a party.

The problem is, of course, that I find myself in the strange position where all but, say, two of my friends are in relationships. While there, they have no incentive to hit the dance floor. Why would they? Christ, I sure the fuck won’t be going back there when I’m ready to pack it in. So Spike finds himself in the unenviable position of either sitting around – where chances of tail acquisition are low – or going out on the dance floor alone, which is beneath him. It’s a bind.

Also, I wish you could get some sign to hang around your neck that said you weren’t there by yourself, and that the people you’re meeting are just running late.