Wherein I Complain About Things

Using Germany in 1933 and the United States in 2000 as examples, we can see that democracy simply doesn’t work. With that in mind, consider that a benevolent dictatorship, guided by one man’s iron-fisted though well-meaning hand, provides us with the best form of government.

That said, sometimes even a benevolent dictator has his indulgences. The following are rules I would impose after the upcoming February Revolution brings me to power:

Wait... Ror Dawg?

1- Men outside the house should have to wear hats, as in olden times. It makes them look classy and respectful, and people would behave better around them.

2- The number of TV stations will revert to 3. In this world of hundreds of channels, nobody seems to be on the same page with respect to the popular culture. Who are these Desperate Housewives? What the hell is with this Amy Winehouse? These are things I wonder because my attention has been diluted across too many sources of interest. Narrow my options, and everyone else’s, and maybe then something will outrank the M*A*S*H finale as the most-watched program ever. Then we can all talk about it the next day.

3- Movie posters will be painted. What’s with all these shitty movie posters that just show the actor’s face in front of some blurry, non-descript background? I could literally make these myself in Photoshop. Once I’m in charge, we’ll go back to the olden days of imaginative, eye-catching, painted movie posters. On this topic, Bond movie titles should be written in wacky, distinguishable typefaces again, too.

4- News shows can’t trumpet the fact that they were the “first to bring you” something. Really, this is just petty. Even the CBC is getting into the game.

5- All collapsible umbrellas will be replaced with those cane umbrellas. Like men wearing hats, it’s just that much more dignified.

6- Waiters who say that they’re here to “take care of you tonight”, instead of “I will be your waiter”, will be killed. I don’t want to sound as though I have contempt for the working poor, but this whole casual, chipper attitude I notice creeping into my waiters has no place in a dignified society. You perform a service and I pay you a tip. It ends there. I’m not your friend. Don’t be friendly with me.

7- All top 40 radio stations will be shuttered. Morning drive-time DJs will be killed. This one really speaks for itself. There is no greater cancer on society than the top 40 radio station, destroying music for everyone. The worst of it all is that they don’t even know it…

8- Jay Leno will be put off the air, while Carson Daly will be killed. There are no two greater blights on the face of late night TV than these two. Daly is so patently unfunny, so obviously in his job because of family connections that not a soul would care if I did this tomorrow.