Friday, June 22, 2007

Spot the Difference

For your consideration, a comparison:

Exhibit A: Walter Cronkite

"Nah, I'm just shittin' ya. He's out screwing Marilyn Monroe, who is also not dead."

Veteran journalist Walter Cronkite began his esteemed career covering local sports in print and over the radio in the Midwest during the Depression. From there he was dispatched to the front lines, reporting from North Africa and Europe for the United Press.

In 1950, Edward R. Murrow added Cronkite to the staff of CBS’ nascent news division. After a decade of distinguished reportage, Cronkite became anchorman of the CBS Evening News in 1962. It is in this role he is most remembered, delivering to the baby boomers (and their parents, who, like him, are members of the Greatest Generation™) news of the Kennedy assassination and the moonshot, while holding their hands through the tragedies of Vietnam and Watergate.

Walter Cronkite probably did some stuff after this too, but I think that’s enough Wikipedia summarizing for one day. Rest assured that in retirement he has remained as respected as ever, offering scathing criticisms of the war in Iraq and voicing cartoons.

Exhibit B: CNN’s recent journalistic output

Cat stuck in washing machine is YouTube rage

Lovesick pup seeks date with first dog Barney

Orangutan likes the Bears
Orangutan defies experts on Super Bowl
(note: I was unable to confirm if these are two separate orangutans, or if there are two football-predicting organgutans that are worthy of CNN's interest)

Paris Hilton tape features 'n', loving 'f' words
(note: no fucking clue what this means)

'Hoohaa' monologues better than (bleep) play
(note: again, if anyone can explain what they're trying to get across with this...)

Funny side of an 'astro-nut' 'lust in space'
(Nice to see CNN can find the humour in a mentally ill woman's attempt at murder)
Dumb thief walks into closed door, falls down
Aunt's complaint turned 'vagina' into 'hoohaa'

Fat dog skateboards down Arizona streets
(see, now, if the dog hadn't been fat, would this have made the cut?)

Upstate New York buurrrr-ied under snowfall

Dolphins may protect the nation, one fin at a time
Husband-in-chief forgets Valentine's Day
Bill Cosby's dog wins title paws down
(I wasn't going to read this article about Bill Cosby's dog until I read the pun. Then I just knew I had to!)

Where there's smoke, there's ... Obama's cig?

Coulter drops f-bomb onto political battlefield
("f-bomb" has now made its way into professional journalism?)

Britney's antics make K-Fed look like good dad

3.15.07 Meet Angelina's boy: Pax Thien Jolie
(CNN had to tag this one off to, so big was this story)
Scalper profits off Scouts; the problem is ...?
(Seriously, who writes this shit - some snarky yuppie?)
Anderson Cooper: I know Regis. I'm no Regis
(note: Anderson Cooper is gay. Like... literally)

'American Idol' says 'bye-bye, curly'
A prez walks into a journalists' dinner ...
Trump has 50 percent chance of losing hair

Guy with walker swings bat at naked intruder
(really, “guy”? Who is editing this stuff?)

Why is Sanjaya still in 'American Idol'?

Coyote jumps in Quiznos drink cooler

'Porn & Pancakes' fights X-rated addictions
Kindergarteners kept quiet -- with clothepins
Cemetery wedding is to die for, newlyweds say
Anna Nicole Smith's private diaries revealed
(not so private anymore, Nicole! Ha ha!)

He's dying!' wife cries, so hospital dials 911
Halle Berry to go bald for new movie
Kitten stuck in wall, so rescuers smash holes
(Stop the presses!)

Madonna back in Malawi to adopt?
Station airs best of Imus, plays that broadcast
Smith diaries: 'We have a buy-it-now situation'
I-Report: Gunshots captured on a cell phone

Edwards locks into pricey haircuts

You-know-who finally gets boot on 'Idol'

What's behind Baldwin's rant at his kid?

On payday, it's still a man's world
(nice way to sum up one of society's most egregious power imbalances)
YouTube phone guy didn't take CNN's 4 a.m. call
(At this point, a smart reporter would maybe not write a story about YouTube phone guy)

Funny Lunch: Baby Cakes Sees A Play

YouTube rage is piano-playing cat

Bush dance is catnip for late-night comedians

Funny Lunch: Fark is cookin' & cruisin'
Anna Nicole Smith's baby now in U.S.

Uh, you should expect fat in your KFC, judge says

Duckling follows, grooms, naps with puppy
Funny Lunch: Maria Bamford's kicked out

Aging cheese Web site molds following
Knut baby cuteness lost to long nose, belly sag

'Dancing With the Stars' boots another star

*&^%! You CAN say that on TV, court rules

Judge Judy: 'Vacant' Paris Hilton deserved jail


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