This is Both Tasteless and Offensive

It’s time for the first installment of my new series, “Who Will Die First?”. Our first contestants are none other than America’s dad, Andy Griffith, and Spartacus himself, Kirk Douglas.

The winner of Round 1 will go on to face Mickey Rooney in the semifinals

To our parents, Andy Griffith is the warm-hearted father they never had; a dad who solved vicious rapes and murders in small-town America while taking them fishing on long, midsummer afternoons (at least that’s how I think the show went). For us, he’s the crotchety old defense attorney with more ingenuity than MacGuyver. And for people younger than myself, well… they have no idea who he is.

Just keep cuttin', Floyd. Andy will have your kiddie porn ring busted in no time.

If a woman looks at this image for more than six seconds, she will be impregnated

Kirk Douglas, on the other hand, is the guy who looks like Michael Douglas, but with a better chin. He also portrayed one of the greatest humans to ever live, Spartacus, in a movie whose title escapes me (little known fact: Spartacus’ real name was Leonard Goldstein). He then went on to portray a Viking (seriously, why don’t they make any more Viking movies?). Even after having suffered a stroke a few years back, the bugger keeps on ticking.

"You see Opie, the killer left one of these cards at each murder scene."

Which of these men – one a sheriff in America’s heartland, the other a gladiator who defied an empire – will die first? I’m gonna buck the trend here and go with Griffith, even though he is ten years Douglas’ junior.

This photo was taken three weeks ago

Like I say, Douglas has staying power. I mean, he made it to 90 after a major stroke… why not a few more? Andy Griffith on the other hand… when was the last time you ever heard of that guy? Also, I figure if he were still in decent shape they’d be making Matlock TV movies, yet I haven’t seen a single one.

Oh, you keep laughing, Griffith

So, there’s my prediction. Start saving for your commemorative Andy Griffith plates today.