Saturday, August 19, 2006

“I’ve Had it With These Motherfucking Marmosets on This Motherfucking Gyrocopter!”

Ahh... if only the movie had been this campy and self-aware

Much has been made of Snakes on a Plane and the people-powered viral marketing campaign surrounding it. Less well-known is the process that led to the finished film. The following is a list of movies rejected in favour of the final product, now playing in your local cinema:

“Yaks on a Tandem Bicycle”
“Lemurs on a Rickshaw”
“Ocelots on a Submarine"
“Mongooses on the Wright Flyer
“Pumas on a Steam Locomotive”
“Meerkats on a Monorail”
“Chinchillas on a Hang Glider”

And so on…


Blogger Beth said...

LMAO - so true Mike - I refuse to see that because who the fuck came up with this movie? The previews give me the dumb chills

12:09 am  
Blogger Mike said...

It's not so much the previews as it was the whole... Internet/blog phenomenon that started before the movie even started filming, all based upon the film's title and Samuel L. Jackson's involvement. Kinda surreal.

12:28 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Note: This is Mike. Blogger won't let me into my account for whatever reason, so I am reduced to posting new, er... posts in my blog's comments. How embarasskin'. Here ya go for Thursday morning, as written last night:

"I Don't Want to Oversell This, But I Have Embarked Upon an Odyssey of Homeric Proportions"

The rumours are true. Michael Smith has accepted a teaching job in good ole Sandy Bay, Saskatchewan. It sounds funny, but for one year it's going to be depressingly real. I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye to hardly any of you before I left. But you know I love and care about you all, and I'll get back in touch as soon as I can.

As it stands, I am in sitting in a hotel room in Wawa, Ontario, posting to the Internet via a laptop. I have just completed the first leg of a 3-4 day trip from Whitby to Sandy Bay. I have driven today 960 kilometres. This is mind-blowing. To me, that is. I am sure Man has driven further than that in one day. But 960? Jesus. It makes the little drives to either Kingston or London seem quaint by comparison.

I obviously don't know if I'll be getting the Internet in every hotel. And I doubt it'll be waiting for me when I get to my place in Saskatchewan. But supposing I do, allow us now to start the first entry in my travelogue:

Notable towns driven past today:
Toronto- A town that has skyscrapers and subways, both of which will come to be insanely foreign to me within about a week, I think.
Barrie- Due to Pete's sprained ankle, I was called upon to hold doors open for his high school chums (they consider me more of an acquaintance, however)
Parry Sound- Birthplace of Bobby Orr. I know this because they have a giant billboard of him. Within about... 10-15 years, nobody will give a shit (if they do now).
North Bay- Home to Mike Harris. There used to be fucking Indians there, but he got rid of them.
Sudbury- This place actually has a population of 160 000 or so. I really just saw the outskirts so I can't speak of it, but that just blows my mind. Even before Barrie, you know you're in what's generally considered "cottage country". By the time you hit Sudbury, your mind is fucking blown that anyone even lives up here. To think that a city bigger than Oshawa is strumming along up here is extremely odd.
Sault Ste. Marie- Seemed okay. Like an oasis in the middle of nowhere. Nice water tower.

Many many times today, I had to ask myself just what the fuck people were doing living up here. Like, honestly, what are you getting out of it? It blows my mind that we built the highways up here, the electrical transmitting equipment, the towns, etc., and that it actually gets serviced and resupplied often enough. There's something innately depressing about it all. Like... You know how you get to cottage country and it seems so far away? And how you're like, "Man, it's fun to come here for a week and dick around, but I sure the hell wouldn't want to live here"? Well, northern Ontario is like... cottage country's cottage country.

These are other things I have noticed about northern Ontario thus far:

1- Radio stations are called either "The Wolf" or "The Moose". Station managers count on their listeners not clueing into the fact that these names are shared among about 7 different stations (which they haven't, yet).

2- Road signs have slogans like, "Safety First... Buckle Up!", "Give Trucks Extra Space", "Big or Small - Share the Road" and "If You Can't See - Don't Pass!". It's like being in the Soviet Union, only the mind control is benign and helpful.

I had a third thing, but I've forgotten it. And Daily Show is on, soo...

Hopefully I can get the Internet again on my trip. If not, well, catch you all later!

Note: Yes, this is a dreaded "day in the life of" blog post. I promise only to do this when I have something of note to mention.

8:34 am  
Blogger sare said...

Hey Mike - I was having problems with Blogger too until I changed my browser from Explorer to Firefox - maybe give that a bash!??!

10:24 pm  
Blogger Beth said...

well that explains why you are not answering me on msn lol - I lived in saskatchewan for 3 years and all I have to say is you better get your winter coat out when you move because it usually snows end of september or mid october. But I will say that the fall saskatchewan sunsets are one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen....I guess our coffee date is off then eh!

12:11 am  
Blogger erin said...

You're my father. He made those jokes the first time he heard about that ridiculous name :)

3:48 pm  

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