You Owe Me

The greatest guy in history?

Every last one of you, except for teatotalin’ Hambly. He’s a new man.

As it turns out, I spent last week in the employ of one of our greatest public institutions, the LCBO – and I mean the warehouse, not the stores. While there, I took boxes of booze off of trucks and lovingly placed them on a conveyor belt. Where it went after that, I cannot say. I mean, shit, that building is huge. I wonder why they make all the ceiling space if they’re never going to expand up into it.

Anyway, all of this is part of my recent foray into the world of the working class. It’s quite interesting, really. They (meaning Mike Harris and your grandpa) say that an honest day of hard work is a character building experience, and I am inclined to believe. Not something one should do for a living if one can avoid it, of course, but it does offer some perspective. Like… you know when you’re working away at that 12-page essay, and you’re thinking how shitty that is? No, no it’s not. In fact, it’s really quite simple compared to what a working class schmuck has to plough his way through every single day. Quite frankly, I don’t know how they do it.

And yet, it’s necessary. As much as it sucks, that’s how society operates. Get yourself an education, or resign yourself to a life of hell. And if you can’t get an education because your parents themselves are working class and cannot afford it? Well, tough bananas. And then the cycle repeats, and everyone’s happy.

Ahh... the threat of spousal abuse. Always good for a laugh.

Typical working class guy’s day (12-hour shift):

7:00 PM: Wake up, nursing hangover. Common-law wife is smoking on back porch with friend. If odd day of week, take shower. If not, use extra time to comb moustache.

7:20: Choose between navy blue t-shirt, or mottled grey t-shirt that says “Property of Detroit Tigers Athletic Department”.

8:00: Arrive at work, resentful of people coming off line who are about to go to sleep. Express this resentment by making homophobic/racist/sexist remarks to some:

Paul: Hey Cindy, I forgot my drink today. You got any milk in them teats for me?

Cindy: Oh Paul! (laughing, even though it’s not very funny, because there’s not much she can do)

11:00: 1^st break. Sit around break room making remarks about how long penis is.

11:15: Return to work. Complain to new temp worker about workplace. When you find out he has graduated from teacher’s college, act as if he spat on you. When he makes reference to his B.A., express that you do not know what those initials stand for.

2:00 AM: Lunch break. If remotely knowledgeable, read Toronto Sun. Remark that Harper is “gittin’ ‘er done” with the camel jockeys and kiddie diddlers. If not able to read newspaper, talk about tattooing and latest episode of Miami Ink (I swear to God I’ve heard several people at several factories rave about this show). Talk about time someone just didn’t “get” your tattoos and mentioned this to you in supermarket. Do not mention fact that one of your tattoos is, no lie, a swastika. Mention that this person was a fat cunt.

Okay, basically this pattern goes on for a bit more until 8:00 AM, when you finally get off. Ask Cindy, who is coming in for the day shift, if she would like to have anal intercourse. Do it jokingly, but in such a way that if you perceived she might actually want to, you could follow that lead.

8:30: Arrive at home. If summer, children are sleeping. If school months, children are at school. Wife is already at work at grocery store. All of that is academic, of course, because you hate your family.

8:32: Count down the days until you’re back on day shifts - not that it will really make a difference.

8:40: Break open a six pack and pop in your Larry the Cable Guy movie on bootlegged DVD. Enjoy this movie, featuring timely observations on current society and nuanced performances that speak to the very essence of what it is to be Human.

10:10: Look up information online about trucks you will never own and tattoos. Have cyber sex with women on your MSN list, which is more thrilling than actual sex with your wife.

11:00: Remember to eat and to chide wife for the food she has pre-prepared for you and microwave something else instead. Think up ways in your head to get promoted to “Materials Handler” at work.

12 Noon: Go to bed. Consider masturbating, then decide not to, asking self, “what’s the point?”

And repeat. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Because, kids, these guys aren’t in school anymore like you and me. In fact, they haven’t been in school since they were 16. There is no summer break. They get maybe 10 days off a year, maybe. And then it repeats. So have fun with all… that.