You can tell the painting's classy, 'cause he painted her nipple
The following is an excerpt from an email I got from a legitimate... teaching-type organization:
"...a wealthy family will be taking 6 secondary aged children (aged 13 - 18, I believe) on a very large yacht for two years. The teachers will teach a distance learning programme to the children and this will cover most subject areas.
Candidates who are short-listed will probably be flown to Spain to meet the family and children and will be interviewed by the family and others.
The rewards (apart from travelling the world for two years!) will be a competitive salary that is tax free, free private medical cover, all living costs and transportation but to your county of residence during holidays."
Now, first off, I will obviously not get this job. If these parents 1) exist and 2) are rich, then they are also likely smart and will not take a male with training exclusively in History and the Visual Arts over a sexy young tart who knows legitimate stuff such as... Mathematics and Science, for example. But, man, imagine if it was.
Second, the wife is probably a lonely senorita who has a chilly relationship with her husband. She might even look like that painting up top. To think that I wouldn't be able to have sex with her while her husband is off screwing some villager on St. Maarten's would be naive.
But, shit, man, sail the Seven Seas for two years on a yacht with some Spaniards? It's almost worth looking into. Almost.
Want to know a good way to spend a cold, overcast Monday afternoon? Don't come here.
This afternoon, I found myself with some free time. After a delicious lunch with Andrew and Anne-Marie (Ann-Marie?), we decided to head on down to see Sir John A. MacDonald’s grave site.
This is just a few feet in front of the stone below...
You think George Washington gets a better grave?
I’ve spent just over 4 of the past 8 months in Kingston. It’s a nice town and all, but I wouldn’t want to live here. Kinda dumpy. One thing Kingston has over other cities, though, is the decomposing corpse of our first prime minister. John A. MacDonald’s gavesite is really rather modest. It’s sorta in the middle of this really old cemetery. There’s a really modest gravestone, and a little marker a few feet in front. He’s surrounded by his wife, a son that died in infancy, and two other people who I have never heard of. In the middle is this big obelisk, and the whole deal is fenced in by a nice-looking… fence. Just look at the photos and see for yourself just how unassuming the whole thing is.
I didn't know if I should smile or look sombre. On one hand, it was a guy's grave. On the other, he died 115 years ago, so it wasn't exactly sad. I decided to smile, since I wasn't feeling especially down or anything.
See, now this is sad - unless they're still alive, which I highly doubt.
We also took a stroll around the cemetery and checked out a few grave stones. One of them, for Edgar and Florence Smith, lists their birthdates, but not their death dates (even though the "19" part is chiselled in). Since they were both born in the early 1890s, I really doubt that they’re still alive. Isn’t that entirely depressing? Some couple bought themselves a headstone in the 50s or something, and then when they died, nobody cared to remember. I’ve included a photo so you, too, can be depressed about the whole thing.
Again, I apologize for having a post on what I did with my day, but I figured that, in this case, it was at least somewhat interesting.
It would be remiss (maybe even seditious) of me to let the day pass by without mentioning Her Majesty's 80th birthday. So... there, I just did. Enjoy the photos (she's watching a polo match in the second one, if you're curious).
I hate those blogs that list nothing more than what a person did all day as much as the next guy, but I feel the need to mention that I have just finished the last assignment of my entire education... ever.
That's it. That's my education. From September, 1986, to right now - five minutes ago. Sure, I have another week left, but as far as actually doing anything is concerned, I am done. Finito Mussolini.
I, err... don't quite know what to make of that. But that's it. From colouring in triangles to writing a lesson plan on colour theory, that's two decades for ya.
"...maybe if he’d help them a little instead of cutting back on everything, they wouldn’t be here.”
A few items of interest:
- First, an update: An apology is due to the girl who was using MSN in the Education library yesterday.Apparently, her phone line is down at home, her mother is dying of cervical cancer, and this was the only way she could get in touch!My mistake!
- The D’urbervilles got themselves a write-up this past Saturday in liberal rag, the Toronto Star.That link will also take you to a page with a podcast on it that has them in it.Better hop on the bandwagon today, kiddies.
- While I’m sending you off to other sites, check out Steph Davidson’s “Pretty Empty” off on the right, and follow her link to the funny PSAs from the American The Office.Yes, I could have linked you there myself, but then you’d miss out on Pretty Empty, which is actually a good blog (as opposed to, say, this one, which is not).
- With Arrested Development done with, you’re going to need to watch a non-cartoon sitcom that isn’t horrible.Luckily, they’ve got this new show on Sundays after Family Guy at (what happened to American Dad?) called Free Ride.You will find almost no information about it online, nor will you ever see any advertisements for it on TV.Trust me, though – it exists, and it’s not bad.It’s about some dude who graduates university and heads back to his parents’ house and tries to make his way in the world.And he has a wacky best friend, and then a lame best friend who is married and has kids, and he pines for this girl and all sorts of stuff like that.It also wasn’t on this past Sunday, so I don’t really know what’s up.But check it out – Free Ride, Sunday at .
- According to a poll brought to my attention by the CBC, 60% of Albertans want more respect (meanwhile, 100% of homeless Albertans who are having the drunken premier throw money at them in the shelter also want more respect).
First, good job for the 40% of Albertans who aren’t assholes with a sense of entitlement.For the rest of you, why don’t you earn that respect?You think your province’s sudden rash of good luck is due to anything more than the massive price of natural resources?Do you think you did something special to somehow earn those resources in your backyard?Howzabout you pull your weight in this country and – instead of another handout from Ralph Klein – redistribute a percentage of that cash to Canada’s economically-disadvantaged areas?You remember Canada, right?The country you’re a part of?You’d better believe I’d respect you for that.
“In Self-Defense, I Could Do Something to You That You Would not Like, Right Here”
Dear bitch who was using MSN on the Education library computers this afternoon,
Hey whore, what’s up?I don’t want to take up too much of your time, but I just need to ask you a question: what’s it like being a completely selfish little cunt with no regard for how others feel?Being a sane, respectful, considerate person, I myself would not know, so I’m relying on your expertise.
Sorry, sorry, I actually have another question: what precise part of your brain is underdeveloped, causing you to believe that it’s acceptable to carry on a conversation on MSN (in a nice pink font!) on library computers designated for catalogue searching?Also, I’m curious to know the exact brand of liquor your mother drank when she was pregnant with you, causing you not to give a damn about the 4-5 people lined up behind you who needed to use the computer for legitimate purposes.
It would be helpful to get these answers now, because I am going to fucking kill you the next time I find you doing this.Great, thanks.
I Know! Let's Have An Hour-Long TV Show With 60 Year-Old Songs!!
: We’re greeted not by the smoking hot face of Mary Lou Metzger this week, but by the smoking hot face of Ralna English.What gives?!Turns out it’s an Easter-themed episode from 1980, so this must be a repeat (of the repeats).The episode showcased is from 1980, so we’re doubly-screwed: religious-themed episode from the absolute worst period in the show’s history.Ralna comes to us from Branson, Missouri, which is kinda like Las Vegas for Republicans.Basically, you would never want to go there or be associated with anyone who has.
: Lawrence introduces the first number, “Easter Parade”.It’s a peppy little number that is thankfully devoid of any sort of religious significance.Thank God those Victorians invented the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.
: Some new guy I have never seen sings some religious tune on an acoustic guitar.Who the hell is this guy?I suppose at this point (early 80s), the old ones saw the writing on the wall and jumped ship.I mean, it’s pretty silly to picture a show like this on TV today, but it’s not much less silly to picture it even 25 years ago.
: The band does a nice little song called, “It Might as Well Be Spring”.I’m positive I’ve heard this song on this show before, though.No biggie.For all I know, it was from a broadcast 20 years earlier.It’s pretty good, with the flutes, but I’m not so sure about Myron Floren on the accordion; every time he does his little routine, it’s like they’ve shoehorned him into the song.I mean, really, how natural is it to stick an accordion into the middle of a song?
: Norma Zimmer sings some hymn.Sample lyric: “A world where lost sinners were slain”.How heart-warming!I’m also pretty positive she’s lip-synching.Must be getting rusty in her old age.
: Ralna in the present day comes back and talks about her daughter; you’ll be happy to know that she’s now a second grade teacher!This is what I mean when I say that I prefer the new system whereby Mary Lou Metzger comes on once at the start, and once at the end.I should also report that Ralna’s daughter has some significant upper-arm fat.And how’s this for a bombshell: she’s no longer married to Guy!Fuck!She does speak fondly of him and his new wife, however, and says she’s going on tour with him.Weird.
7:13: 1980s Guy and Ralna sing an awful gospel-y song.If only they knew then that their marriage was doomed to failure!
By the way, here's a little tidbit on Guy, courtesy of the Wikipedia: "Guy sang 'Let the Eagle Soar', a song written by then-Attorney-General John Ashcroft at the second inaugural of President George W. Bush". So you just know he's a great guy!
: Bobby and Random Dance Partner No. 307 do a dance number.Pretty effing forgettable.I’m starting to think that this episode is going to be a real waste of time.
: Lawrence Welk introduces the next guy, the creepy, toothy blonde with the hair, saying, “Tom Netherington is becoming very active in the religious music circuit”.Great!His song’s bound to be great, then!
: Present day Ralna shills her new CD, “My God, My Country”, and sings an extract from it, backed by a Casio keyboard!Man, you know it’s gotta be good if the background orchestration is done by a keyboard!Here are some sample lyrics: “Mary did you know your baby boy will one day rule the nations”.
: It’s “Put a Little Love in Your Heart”, by four strangers I’ve never seen before.Wow, I thought this song was originally from that Scrooged movie.Guess not.You can really tell with this stuff that Lawrence feels obligated to load the show with contemporary crap.
: Joe Feeney has a pretty song for us.As usual, it starts with Bob Ralston, the guy who might be gay, opening on the organ.And it’s actually not a hymn or Irish song, for once.I also think that Feeney must be using copious amounts of black dye at this point in his life.
: It’s an accordion duet with Floren and some new kid.Lawrence introduces him, saying, “Joey Schmidt is on our training program”.Huh?
Anyway, the accordion must be the hardest instrument to play.It’s heavy, you have to actually hold it, it’s a piano on one side and then another thing with a bunch of buttons on the other (both of which you have to play at the same time).And you have to squeeze it to play.
: Ralna tells us some more shit, mentions her CD again, and invites us to visit her website!Conveniently, you can also buy her CD at that same website!
: George Cates conducts “Holiday for Strings”.What’s this – the show-stopper at ?Looks like.By the way, string plucking makes songs better.
PS: What’s with all these “holiday for” songs?There’s “Fluter’s Holiday”, “Bugler’s Holiday”, this one, and… hell, probably some others.What’s the deal?Presumably they’re fun songs to play if you’re good at that instrument, but where did the trend start?
: Ken Deal-o is up, who can’t sing.This is as good a time to ask, would it kill Lawrence Welk to mention the name of the song?“Here’s a pretty little song I’m sure you all know”.Well… well, no, I don’t.
: Mary-Lou Metzger and some creepy guy do a tap dance to “Tip-toe Through the Tulips”.It’s alright, I guess, but it’s too cheesy a song.Mary is also hot, of course.
: Some lady I’ve never seen does “A Few of My Favourite Things”.I don’t get it, what’s so beloved about The Sound of Music?
: Ralna mentions that she was a participant in the Merv Griffin Celebrity Tennis Tournament recently.She played alongside Dr. Phil and Chandler, from Friends!I guess they raised money for something?Also, is it true that Nancy Reagan had an affair with Merv Griffin?
: Anacani sings “Here Comes Peter Cottontail” for the kids, since they just love watching TV shows with 60-year old songs and hymns.What a nightmare it must be for a professional arranger to be asked to work with this shitty song.
Anacani’s the really hot Mexican who looks about 17.But she’s not.
: The trombonist who looks like my uncle Jim plays “My Tribute”, which is very similar to “My Way”.Only slightly different.It’s not bad, but it’s got some sort of awful electronic accompaniment.I mean, really, people thought that stuff would hold up?
: Eva Barber, the chunky country singer, does “A Tisket, A Tasket”. She looks awful in cowboy boots.
: Arthur Duncan taps to “Put on Your Old Grey Bonnet”.Says Floren, “For this show, we’ll call it an old Easter bonnet”.Oh, okay.Now I see how the song is related to the Easter theme.
: Ralna tells us that lately, she’s done a few reunions with the old cast.And they get 4 standing ovations!Wow, really?You think that old people near death who pay to see the surviving members of a 25-year old TV show sing old songs might be a little less discriminating when handing out standing ovations?Ralna also mentions the website again, if you didn’t catch it the first couple of times.
: The cast is assembled, decked out in choir gear, on some cathedral set.And then everyone sings a big religious song.Hey, I’m sure it’s real moving if you’re into that stuff.
: Ralna closes, being sure to sing one last hymn from her CD.I turned the TV off before she was done, so maybe something cool happened afterwards, I dunno.
The first instalment of this series takes a look at this lovely girl, a cheerleader at WichitaStateUniversity.Look at her, for Chrissakes.You think you’re having more sex than her?No fucking way.Just check out that eye shadow, the ribbon in the hair. The well-defined nose and chin.She fucking gets it whenever she wants, however she wants.Hell, I’ll bet that’s one of the main reasons why she became a cheerleader.And even though she’s giving the shocker to be funny, you just know she’d let you do it.
Another person getting more sex than you is the male cheerleader behind her.In his case, though, I don’t exactly think his brand of sex has been okayed by the Kansas state constitution, if you know what I mean.
8 bikers get killed outside of St. Thomas (I’m looking at you, Nate’s sister!).As far as murders are concerned, I suppose this falls into the “not so tragic” category.At any rate, check out the picture the CBC’s website put up:
"A body is shown in the back of this car at the crime scene near Shedden, Ont." - Yeah, you fucking think?!
Would you pay $1000 not to have your corpse raped after you were dead?
Tonight, our opening instalment of what will become a regular feature: Live-blogging Lawrence Welk (note: MS Word does not recognize “blog” or “blogging” as words.Get with the times, M$!The revolution will be computerized, man!).Note that I’m watching on whatever PBS affiliate they get in Kingston.I notice it’s not the same as whatever one they got in London, so your mileage may vary.
: Look, it’s Mary-Lou Metzger!Metzker?Whatever.I really like the format they’ve adopted this season, wherein she briefly introduces the show at the start of the hour and stays out of your face until the last ten minutes, at which point she interviews a dead/dying member of the Welk cast.And she doesn’t show you any photos of her old cats!I really hated the old format, where they’d get a random cast member to host the show and interrupt every couple of songs with updates from their lives (“After trying her hand at a business degree, my daughter, Amber-Lynne, found that college life just wasn’t for her.”).They could be more stringent when it came to giving info about the specific episode, however.Sometimes she’ll give you the date, other times you’re on your own.Letting us know when the show was originally broadcast shouldn’t be too strenuous an activity, and I love the context it gives you.When Lawrence says something like, “certain elements of society would do well to keep their mouths shut with regards to the American government’s actions abroad”, you just know that Nixon’s in office.It makes the show cooler.
Also, Mrs. (Ms?) Metzger is hot.
: Show opens with the whole cast singing a decent song.That ain’t bad.Usually the opening numbers are hokey or crappy in some other way; this one, I could actually listen to a second time.
: Tonight’s special guest, Roger Williams, plays “Autumn Leaves”.I notice this season that they’ve been showing a few “special guest” episodes.I can recall Henry Mancini, Pat Boone and Jack Benny.It ain’t bad.
Anyway, Autumn Leaves gets worse every time I hear it.At first, I thought it was kinda cool, if a bit slow.The more I think about it, it sure takes itself pretty seriously for a song about… what, leaves?I feel like a fool for not immediately realizing that it’s as schmaltzy as crap like Moon River, and the various themes from Romeo and Juliet, Dr. Zhivago and Love Story (the three of which all sound like the same song, if you ask me).
PS: Why do these special guests, aside from Pat Boone and Jack Benny (obviously), never speak?Mancini was cool a few months ago, but I would have loved to have heard from him.
: Guy and Ralna go up.This time, they’re singing an original song of theirs.It is awful and out of place and really demonstrates why this old man music is much better than anything that has been made in the past 30+ years.Seriously, anyone care about these guys?Anyone?I find a 3rd of the songs are great, a 3rd are “meh”, and the last third are utter crap.Guy and Ralna invariably end up in the last category every single time.I often wonder if these guys (along with the blonde, John Denver clone with the weird, weird hair) have been included against Lawrence’s better judgement as a way to attract the youthful viewers.
: Bobby and Random Dance Partner No. 297 show up and do that one song.It’s probably called “Love Will Keep Us Together”, but I don’t really know that.You know, I kinda like this song.It’s one of those songs I’m embarrassed to like, like “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Old Oak Tree”.But if people can shamelessly enjoy Dancing with Celebrities, I think I can like two cheesy songs.
Note that I think Bobby is a robot of some kind.His ability to smile and face the camera throughout his whole routine is uncanny. And aside from the fact that I could care less about a dance number, I do have to say that he’s pretty good at it, and it is neat that he choreographs the whole thing himself.
: Ken Deal-o does his schtick.I find he does a lot of novelty songs.Maybe that’s cause he can’t actually sing, and Lawrence doesn’t want to saddle him with anything too tough.Tonight it’s a song about keeping a smiling face in the rain, but it could just as well have been about candy or the county fair.
: Mary Lou Metzger shows up in the present day to tell us what’s coming up.Since she often announces the *very next* song we’re about to watch, I’m convinced they only put this update in to remind elderly viewers that it’s actually 2006 and not the mid-60s.
And, yes, cheap shot at the elderly, I know, but I give you permission to make fun of me once I’m in my 80s.Just as I would give you permission to make all the Jew jokes you wanted, were I actually Jewish.
: Joe Feeney is up.Like Guy and Ralna, his songs fall into the “awful garbage” category.It opens up with some gay guy doing a few bars on an organ, followed by Feeney singing an Irish song or something.He makes “Around the World” unlistenable, for heaven’s sake!That’s a great song!Anyway, I doubt most people could stand his stuff 30-40 years ago, let alone today.Laura Zimmer’s a lot like this, too.
That said, I kinda like the guy.In spite of the fact that I hate what he does, I do have to say that he is talented and really sticks to his guns.He must truly appreciate old songs like that to make a living off of them, and that’s cool.He’s also probably been dead for 20 years.
: Hank Cuesta does “Sunny Side of the Street”.On clarinet, naturally.My mom says he’s Canadian.Who knows? Anyway, he’s one of the better ones, and he’s good here.The problem I find is that even though this song’s catchy, it’s still pretty lifeless.I’ve never heard an arrangement of it before that I’d ever want to listen to a second time.
: Arthur Duncan does his weekly tap dance.I know a whole bunch of performers do weekly bits, but there’s something about Duncan where it seems like he’s just going through the numbers more than most.I guess, as a layman, I can’t tell the difference from one tap routine to the next.I’m also not completely sold on him actually doing it.I know the singers are lip-synching, so I’m still a bit wary about him.
In introducing him, Lawrence once called him “a credit to his race”.By far, that was the funniest moment in Lawrence Welk Show history (note: Duncan is the only Black guy on the show).
: Three of the ladies show up and do some singing.This show seems to have a stable full of random women to cobble together for any given number, and this time we get that red-head, the brunette with the cheekbones, and Mary Lou Metzger.It’s interesting in that they’re kinda walking around the stage and showing the audience, so you can get a better idea of how the studio is laid out.Also, they’re clearly, *clearly* lip-synching.I don’t know if people back in the day figured this out, but it’s plain as day to me right now.
These women are also totally fuckable, although I suspect they’re die-hard Republicans (current-day DVD releases include such classics as “How Great Thou Art,” “He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands,” “Find Us Faithful,” “Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho,” “My Tribute,” and “May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You” – Sounds like a Tennessee Ernie Ford fan’s wet dream!).And though Jeff Greene would have fucked them even if they wore Bush masks, I think I’d have to decline.
: George Cates comes out for the big closing number.This guy kicks ass.From my understanding, he’s the one who arranges half this shit, and he seems to be doing all the legwork as far as conducting is concerned (which begs the question: Just what does Lawrence *do* on his show?).Anyway, this guy just sweats confidence. You know when he takes that baton in his hand, you’re in for a fucking treat.Particularly, his “The Man I Love” was really fucking good and I wish I had a recording of it.
He’s real good at picking the right moment for the horns to interject.Take a listen to his Kumalau (or however you spell that).It shouldn’t be hard, considering I’ve seen them play it *at least* three times.They had “All the Way” a few weeks back (with that maybe-gay guy on the piano) which was a real barn-burner.Anyway, tonight was not as memorable, but whatcha gonna do?
: That’s it!Mary Lou comes back to the present day to interview one of the women from the stables, and I’m outta there.I did stick around for them to mention that the episode was broadcast in April, 1977, though.Again, I love this new format because I can just tune out the minute she shows up and I won’t miss any music.
Anyway, that’s that.I do have a few closing comments, though:
- Why do they release those contemporary Lawrence Welk specials on DVD, and not actual episodes?They’re always overproduced garbage, too, like… Lawrence Welk Salutes America or a bunch of hymns or something.First, none of the episodes were like this (well, okay, maybe one or two).On the balance, you never had a huge hour-long concentration on topics like this.What makes them think that the audience wants that now?If you actually desperately need to release a DVD of material produced in the present day, just load it up with a bunch of old standards without the patriotic/religious crap.
- Release old episodes on DVD, damn you!Obviously, with the show spanning from, what, ’55 to ’83, you can’t do every one (they started to show the 80s one the other day and, yes, they are garbage), but you could get a selection of a few good bits.It’s too bad this show isn’t remotely popular with the crowd who use the Internet, since I’d then be able to download bootlegs of the best of the evening’s songs.
Anyway, that’s that.Sit tight until next week’s instalment.
PS: I didn’t actually live blog this. I wrote it after the fact.
There's no doubt that World of Warcraft is a fun game. Sure, the $20 monthly fee could be used for something more useful - like cigs - but fuck it.
That said, the game does have a few issues. Among them:
1) The Undercity What the hell is with this tacky looking piece of crap capital city with the neon green water? My ability to suspend disbelief when playing a fantasy game is strained as it is - no need to make me work harder at it with the giant green guys with cartoony arms grafted onto their backs.
2) The things you fly on in the Barrens You know, sometimes Blizzard character design sucks (don't ask me to cite an example outside of this though). Guys, you had me at "flying lion". No need to add the bat wings and the skeletal tail and probably other crap I haven't noticed. Too many random animal parts spoil the broth, right?
3) The Tauren Come on, these guys suck. And I'd bet that if you check the stats, the least-selected character is a female Tauren. Just having one in my party is enough to kinda not care, you know (especially ones who can't frigging heal you!)?
4) That one cartoony cart of dynamite in Orgrimmar What's with that giant cart of dynamite near the weaponsmith in Orgrimmar that looks like it's from a Tex Avery cartoon? Like I said, it's tough to suspend disbelief in this game. And I know the whole Warcraft universe isn't exactly supposed to be photorealistic or anything, but come on!
And speaking of Orgrimmar, what's with the houses that look like they're from the Flintstones? With the spiky bones and stuff?
5) The Undead Call me racist, but I'm just not sold on this whole race of zombies. Not cool enough. I'm sorry Anarchos, but it's true. Gnomes, Undead and the Tauren shoulda been replaced by something cooler. Like fish people or something. Or a cool race of lion people, or lizard people.
6) Bad character names You know, it really grinds my balls when I'm running around Silverpine Forest ("Woo! *I'm* from Silverpine Forest!) and run into some loser with a name like KillMasta or RimJobber.
Hey, if you had a friend named James Robertson, a good nickname for him would be Jim Rob. Like "Rim Job", get it?
7) They should throw you a bone around level 20-25 At 40, you get a horse. At 60, you can finally stop playing. But what do I get for a good 2-3 weeks of work? Nothing. You should at least get something cool, like a parrot or something.
8) Character customization sucks So there are two models for each race (male/female), no matter the class. You can't change body type, size, weight, nor can you really muck around with the face. THQ makes games with better character customization, and they produced the world's worst videogame (this is normally where I'd send you to the Wikipedia's entry for the Rocky and Bullwinkle game, but there really isn't much there).
Anyway, that's what I've got. If I could change one of them, I think it'd be the Undercity. As if navigating capital cities isn't shitty enough, you know?